Tuesday Ten: On the road again

Ten Things I Think About While I'm Driving

1. Oh shoot! I forgot my ___________. Purse, camera, phone, papers, kids. Heh. Um, just kidding about the kids. Although I've got a couple stories. Maybe I'll save those for the Ten Things That Make Me a Terrible Mom Tuesday.

If I'm lucky I'll remember whatever it is before I get to the end of our street. I wonder if the people in the white house on the corner notice that their neighbor from down the street always turns around in their driveway. The thing I forget most often? My list. Before I leave for the store I go around the house with a piece of paper. Toilet paper? Plenty. Paper towels? Put 'em on the list. Girls do you need anything? Toothpaste, on the list, and no, I'm not buying lip gloss or a tiara. Then I leave without the list. Doesn't do me much good sitting next to the telephone or on the dining room table or where I sat down to put on my shoes. Argh.

2. Oh rats! I need to call so-and-so. I don't have so-and-so's number in my cell phone, or my cell phone is dead. I think about all the people I need to call. By the time I get home I've completely forgotten all about so-and-so and the very important phone call.

3. I pretend I am a princess and I'm not really driving a minivan, I'm driving a flashy red sports car. While I'm at it I pretend that I'm in France and I have a flat tummy and buns of steel. And a nanny. No, a housekeeper, fulltime. And a crown.

Not really. But it sounds like fun. Maybe I'll try it.

4. What the #%^^$#% does that *(&$%#^@%">&$%#^@% think they're %#^$%* doing? Most of the time I keep the %#$@*&# to myself. But really, there are some crazy @%#^$^ing $%^@#%ers driving around out there. By the way, I have no idea what words I might use to fill in the #%$^@#$ spots. "Tootin' " or "Ratzle-fratzin' " maybe. Yeah. Uh, well, it's not what you're thinking. No, really. (Weak laugh.)

5. So there! Imaginary conversations with people always go so much better than in real life, don't you think? I've never lost an imaginary argument with loving husband. I am articulate, confident and right.

6. Darn it! I forgot to ____________. Switch the laundry, finish correcting lovely lady's science, eat lunch. Sensing a theme here? I remember a lot of stuff when I'm driving.

7. I wonder how gravity really works? I wonder why there are butterflies? What is red? I wonder if the universe is made of infinitely smaller and smaller (and larger and larger) particles, and somewhere in that infinite tinyness (or largeness) there's someone driving around in a minivan wondering if the universe is made of infinitely smaller and smaller (and larger and larger) particles. I wonder about a lot of stuff.

8. Wait a minute. Where are we going again? Sometimes I wonder a little too intently.

9. What exactly will get fine young gent to stop making that weird popping sound with his mouth? Oh. My. Goodness. I'm driving along and suddenly realize that I'm feeling tense. Irritable. Like screaming. Then it hits me. Someone has been humming the same phrase over and over and over and over. Or whistling through his or her nose. Or clicking teeth, clucking tongue, or just making some weird ungodly noise for the last ten minutes and I no longer have the mental energy to block it out and whoever it is needs to stop right now before my head just pops right off.

Gah!

10. Driving. Just so you don't feel frightened driving in my neighborhood, I'll have you know that in between my mental wanderings I do actually pay attention to traffic and pedestrians and school zones and traffic signals and whatnot.

Happy Driving!

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Next Week: What do you always buy when you hit the grocery store? Ten Things In My Grocery Cart.