Growing Up

My baby girl isn't a baby any more. Last night, she came to me while I was getting her brothers ready for bed and said, "Mom, I need to talk to you."

"Go right ahead, my dear. What's up?" I replied.

"Um, I think maybe we should go in the other room. I need some help."

"Oh. Okay. Just one minute."

Oh.

It dawned on me what she needed help with. And why she'd been so impossible all week. I've been hoping to put this day off for a few more months, but it's been obvious for a while that she's growing up. She whispered to me in a low voice, so discreet. She was confident and matter-of-fact and not the least bit embarrassed.

Why am I writing this? It's pretty personal, after all. I'm writing about it because I'm her momma and I cry a little when I see her growing up. Because for moms of girls this is as much a rite of passage for us as moms as it is for our daughters. Because when the young me went through this I was too mortified to breathe a word to my mother, and my lovely young lady's cool confidence wows me and humbles me at the same time. And because since the day she was diagnosed with autism I have dreaded this day. I never know what to expect from this lovely quirky unpredictable young lady, and she's knocked me off-balance again. Honestly, my picture of this day involved shrieking and lots of tears. It helps that she has an older sister who is open and matter-of-fact. It helps that I have always tried to be open and matter-of-fact. It helps that her sister passed on the book I bought a couple years ago. But still, I can't find words for how....normal an experience this was. Normal can be hard to come by around here. She knew without being told that it was not a topic for public discussion. She knew how to ask for help. She was a little bit excited to be growing up.

In a way it's a rite of passage for me as well, to see my first baby beginning to leave her girlhood behind. I'm excited to see her growing up. I get to grow up a little more too, right along with my daughter.

She still plays with dolls and watches cartoons, and snuggles on my lap. And with this lovely daughter the idea of growing up and moving out into the world is a bit more complicated because she'll likely always have a need for a mix of dependence and independence. But she's not my baby any more, the little girl that she was is growing away. She's facing her future, one more step closer to the young woman she'll be. She has struggled so much and come so far. I am proud of her. I can't wait to see what she's going to do next.