Loving husband: Hello?
Me: The boys have a dentist appointment this morning and I am running late and when I turned on the dining room light the breaker tripped, so instead of making breakfast, I am peering at the #$%^*%$ box with a $^%#% flashlight.
LH: Oh yeah, I've done that before. It happens to me all the time.
Me: Um, not helpful. I was hoping perhaps that you could give me a little more direction than that.
LH: Oh. Well, did you look to see if any of the circuits were flipped?
Me: Did I just mention that I am in the %^#&$# garage with the $^#*%^%$# flashlight?
LH: Oh, yeah. Well, did you see any?
Me, trying not to scream: <deep breath> I did not realize that we had so many of these stupid little buttons that we're apparently not using because they're already off. I have no idea which ones are off on purpose. I was calling because I already knew you've been through this before. I was hoping you'd remember which one it might be.
LH: Oh. Nope. Did you try the big box and the little one?
Me: Yes.
LH: What about the one by the attic stairs?
Me: Yes, twice.
LH: It might be that one.
Me, trying not to scream again: It's not. See, I am flipping them AGAIN, and....oh, there they go. Why couldn't they have done that the first time??...Wait a minute...they went off again....nope, that was the kids. Ok, they're on now. Thanks honey. I love you, bye.
Me: All right guys, let's go!
Gent: Moooom, do we haaave to?
Me: Yes.
Gent: Whhhyyyyyy?
Me: Because I am the meanest mom in the world, and I say so, that's why.
Gent: I love you, Mom.
Youngest gent: Momma!
Me: What, love?
Gent: Momma!
Me: What?
Gent: Momma!
Me: What?
.
.
.
.
.
(And so on....)
Me: Did you remember to lock the garage door behind you?
Older lovely lady: Umm....yes?
Me: The garage door really needs to be locked, are you sure you locked it? Oh, it looks like the door's still open, will you please close and lock it?
LL: Just a minute. (Gets out of the car, goes inside the garage. We all wait. And wait. Finally I get out and go into the garage.)
Me: What are you doing, honey?
LL: Locking the door.
Me: This door? The garage door right here?
LL: Oh. Yeah. (Locks and closes door. We get back in the car.)
Me, dawning realization: Oh nooooooo. You didn't lock the door that goes from the garage into the house, did you?
LL: No.
Me, sinking feeling: Then what were you doing in there?
LL: Locking the door.
Me: The door that leads into the house from the garage?
LL: No.
Me: So you were locking that garage door that I can see from here, the one I'm pointing at, right?
LL: Ummm.....(pause)......no?
Me: Listen carefully. Did you lock the inside door that we use to go into the house from the garage? The one I don't have a key for?
LL: Umm, I might have.
Me, leaning my head on the steering wheel trying not to cry: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh.
(Fortunately this story has a happy ending. I'd left the back door unlocked, so I was able to unlock the other door. Otherwise we might have ended up sleeping in the mailbox, because that's the only other key I've got on my spare set of keys.)
Lovely lady, the younger, at bedtime: Look what I made!
Me: What is it?
LL: A list. A list of things to do to be nice.
Me: Wonderful. (Hug her.) What a great idea!
LL: Yeah, I decided to make the list because I don't want to go to hell when I die.
Me: Oh sweetie, you have such a good heart...
LL, interrupting: But Mom, my sister said that if I'm not nice I'll go to hell.
Me, hugging her: You've got a good heart. I'm pretty sure that you're not going to go to hell for stomping up the stairs.
LL: But she said. If I don't start being good, I'll go to hell.
Me, making a mental note to talk to her sister first thing tomorrow morning: Sweetheart, you try so hard to be such a good girl. I really don't want you to worry about hell tonight, ok. Let's really have a heart-to-heart all together tomorrow. For now....
LL, interrupting: Mom, what's heaven like?
No comments:
Post a Comment