Road map

I had a long chat with a good friend last night. It's been a while since we talked last, so the conversation took lots of different paths. We know one another well enough that when I said something about turning 40 she asked me something along the lines of, "So, are you where you wanted to be at 40?"

Hmmm. I've been thinking about that ever since. Am I where I wanted to be at 40?

Hell no.

When I was young and starting my independent building-a-life journey, I thought I'd meet the right guy, we'd have beautiful babies in or nearing their teens by the time we were in our forties, I'd be teaching kindergarten and living on a farm. Oh, I had a plan. I knew what age I'd be married (22), the age I'd start having babies (24), how many children I'd have (4), and even their names (Kayla, Sarah, Brian, and Rachel).

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

So am I where I wanted to be? Nope. Not so much.

I did not plan to be a tattoo-sporting, homeschooling, divorced-and-remarried stepmother in a blended family, living in the city.

Why has this been swimming around in my head all day today? Because that's not the answer I gave to my friend. The answer I gave was a resounding yes. Absolutely. Ok, so I didn't do any of the big things I thought I might. I haven't trekked across India barefoot with only a spoon and a change of underwear. I haven't discovered a cure for anything or become a saint. I can't even make a decent-looking pie crust. (They taste fine, I'm just pie-crust-crimping impaired.)

But I love my life. My wonderful husband loves me, and even more important, respects and supports me. My wonderful, kind, creative children love me and love one another. I have a tattoo. I live in a lovely warm home. I swing in a back yard hammock. I have friends and family who love me and who know I love them. I have chickens and a garden.

I haven't overcome my many faults. I am still impatient, cross, hasty, impulsive, sentimental, lazy, shy, and not very serious or ambitious. But now I like myself anyway. I've come to terms with the fact that my hair is never going to be glossy and thick and straight. I've decided to take up the guitar just so that I can learn something new. I'd still like to move to the country but it's not going to ruin my life if it never happens. At 40, I wake up grateful for the blessings I've been given instead of feeling unhappy about the things that I don't have.

After spinning this in my head today I realized that I answered a different question than the one my friend asked. Am I where I wanted to be? No. Am I where I want to be?

That's the question I answered. I wouldn't trade any of this for that imaginary life. Not one thing.